Older people and sexual health

Society puts pressure on people to look younger. Many services are aimed at younger people. And we don’t talk about sexual relationships in older adults. This means there isn’t as much information or as many services out there for people who are older and having sex. Some people don’t realise that older people like sex and have the same desires and rights as everyone else. LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and more) relationships in this age group are often ignored.

Getting older does not mean you lose your passion for life. Letting sexual activities be an important part of your life can be very rewarding. Sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences anyone can have. That does not have to stop as you age, but it might change. If you have been with a partner for a long time, you may have years of knowledge about what they like and what you like. But there is always more to explore. Sex, whether it is with someone you know well and love or someone you have not known long, can be very pleasurable and great fun. Remember, 'sex' is not just penetration, whether it is vaginal or anal (in your bottom). Penetration is just one type of sexual activity. Mutual masturbation, oral sex, and touching and exploring each other’s bodies can be just as sexual and pleasurable.

As you get older, you may feel that sex does not have the appeal it once did. (Some people have never been interested in sex or felt very sexual.) People’s sex lives may reduce for many reasons.  For example:

• illness
• being single
• losing your partner
• boredom with your partner

But sexual intimacy gives us warmth, closeness, touch, excitement. Finding ways to get these things when you are on your own or no longer sexually active is important. Here are a few ideas: 

• Indulge in your sensual side through dancing, eating food that excites you, or wearing clothes that make you feel sexy. Explore what works for you! 
• Discover your erotic side. Watch a sexy movie or read an erotic book. 
• Join a class or learn a new hobby. Try something that really excites you. 
• Spend time with close friends and family and share affection.

Find different ways to make physical contact.

Ending any relationship can be hard. Maybe your relationship was not loving or had run its course. Maybe you have decided you want to start a relationship with someone else. If your partner leaves, life can feel very hard while you get used to the changes. Sometimes, people realise their relationship is unhappy once their children leave home. Either way, it takes a lot of courage to learn to live alone again. There is support out there to help you move on. If you choose to separate or divorce, it can be a hard time. But the change can also offer new opportunities. 

When someone close to you dies, the sense of shock and loss can feel overwhelming. Grief can be a deeply painful and confusing process. Life will not be quite the same again, and it will take time to adjust. Over time, the memories will become less painful. For some people, the loss can also bring relief, for example, after a partner’s long illness or suffering. Everyone’s experience of grief and loss is different. But common feelings are: 

• sadness and tearfulness
• guilt
• intense loneliness
• anxiety and panic about the future 
• irregular sleeping
• mood changes 
• loss of appetite

Part of your experience may be the loss of intimacy and sexual closeness. This is not always an easy thing to talk about, especially to family and friends. It is important for you to accept these feelings. Try to find someone who can listen to your worries or contact your GP for more support. Your GP may refer you to a local counselling service like Talking Therapies. 

Take things slowly. 

• Express your grief in your own way. Everyone is different. 
• Talk about your loss, your worries and thoughts for the future to close friends. Or try speaking to someone with a similar experience. 
• Let others help you with everyday things like bills, banks and cooking. 
• Remember to eat and get plenty of rest. 
• Talk to your GP or see a counsellor if you think you need extra support.

You may be single, or starting a new relationship after separation, divorce, or loss. It might have been a while since you were dating or thinking about starting a new sexual relationship. 

Some people use the chance of being single again to explore aspects of their sexuality that they have not in the past. For some, this may involve having a relationship with someone of the same gender or a different gender for the first time. 

You may have always felt an attraction for the same gender as you and never acted on it. Or, you might be considering a partner of the same gender for the first time.  There are more than 1 million gay men and lesbians in the UK who are over 50. The world is changing, and it is a more supportive place to be out and proud than it used to be. There are organisations which can help if you want support around your sexuality.

STIs are not just a problem for younger people. Unplanned pregnancy might not be an issue when you are over 50, but STIs may be. It is important to practise safer sex to help reduce your risk of getting a STI. To do this, use a male or female condom every time you have sex with a different partner. You cannot tell whether someone has a STI just by looking at them. There are often no symptoms, so many people do not realise that they have one.

They pass from person to person through unprotected:

• oral sex
• vaginal sex
• anal sex 
• close genital rubbing

If your partner could still get pregnant, then condoms can also help protect against pregnancy. 

It is very important to use condoms.

When a woman’s ovaries stop producing eggs, her periods stop and she is no longer fertile. This is called the menopause. The time leading up to the menopause is called the perimenopause. This is when the hormonal and biological changes linked to the menopause begin. The menopause is an incredibly big change in a woman’s life. But the way women experience the menopause can be different. 
Common symptoms are:

• hot flushes or night sweats 
• insomnia (a sleep disorder that makes it hard to fall or stay asleep), this can lead to tiredness
• Mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and finding it hard to concentrate and brain fog
• vaginal dryness
• vaginal discomfort  
• needing to pee more, or water infections 

This list does not include every symptom. But many of these symptoms can influence how you feel about yourself, emotionally and sexually, and on your relationships.
If you develop symptoms of menopause speak to your GP for more advice.

Once your periods have stopped for at least 1 year, you are classed as post-menopausal. But you should continue using contraception for 1 year after your last period. Post-menopausal women start to lose bone mass at a much quicker rate than before. This can lead to osteoporosis (thinning of the bone). 
What helps stop bone loss? 

• Regular weight-bearing exercise like walking. 
• Eating a healthy diet with enough calcium and vitamin D. 
• Cutting down on alcohol, caffeine and smoking. 

If you have any concerns or would like more advice about post menopause care, please contact your GP.